PETA's Titillating Proposal

Supermodel or milk maid? PETA thinks the latter.

Throughout history, people have been ridiculed for ideas that were simply ahead of their time: Galileo, Columbus, and Elvis Presley come to mind. Occasionally, certain ideas would be better to have been left on the drawing board: the Edsel, New Coke, the Susan B. Anthony dollar. And sometimes, people have ideas that are, well, just plain stupid, but I’ll let you be the judge.

Those wacky folks at PETA, you know, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, have proposed that ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s should dispense with using cow’s milk to make their ice cream, in favor of human breast milk. That’s right, breast milk.

They want the Holstein to moooove over, and let women start providing the milk for dairy products. Seriously. I will give you a moment to stop laughing.

You think I make this stuff up? A PETA Executive Vice President said “The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn’t make sense. Everyone knows that ‘the breast is best,’ so Ben & Jerry’s could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk.”

Really? While breast milk ice cream is a titillating idea, it is reported to have received a cool reception from ice cream maker Ben & Jerry's, and rightfully so. Can you imagine the economic upheaval this plan would create? Millions of cows would be out of work and turned out on the streets; beef futures would plummet, while the price of ice cream would go through the roof. Las Vegas shows, the cosmetic surgery industry, and every Hooters restaurant in the US would all be shut down virtually overnight. Our economy is simply not equipped to handle that kind of chaos.

Presumably out-of-work pole dancers could be hired at Ben & Jerry's?

But in another sense, perhaps the idea does have merit. Men would probably have less need to frequent certain types of bars or buy particular magazines, freeing up more dollars to buy ice cream. This would, in turn, empower women, at least those who are lactating, to finally break through that corporate glass ceiling and receive equal pay in the workplace. And the decades long exodus from the farm could be reversed virtually overnight, as eager farm boys would no doubt shun the big city to tend the melons of the farms' new dairy section, being certain all those tedious chores had been tended to.

And you know, while this is fun, and I could do this all day, the surprising part is the cult of PETA continues to come up with more outlandish ideas like this to justify their extremist animal rights agenda. Whether this is a stupid publicity stunt or PETA really believes women should belly up to the bar to make your Chunky Monkey or Cherry Garcia, their motives are reprehensible and their methods are laughable and...udderly ridiculous.

I wonder if they consulted Pam Anderson about this.